Friday, July 21, 2017

Suicidal Thoughts In My Life

With more and more suicidal tragedies coming up in the news with celebrities, people are tending to pass more and more judgment.  I've heard enough of the negative talk and decided to share my experiences.  I've considered suicide numerous times, but was able to pull myself away from doing it.  My story is half-detailed, but I think it gets the point.  I could have gone a lot farther into things, but some of it just didn't feel important to the end-game.  Anyway...


To those who say that committing suicide is a “coward’s way out” or anything along that line, let me just tell you this- your thinking is wrong and you’re full of shit.  Chances are, if you have that mentality, you’ve never been in a very dark place where it seems there is no way out.  For lots of people, life feels dark and gloomy and fronts are put up to make people think their lives are great and happy and perfect or whatever people around them or in society expect their lives to be.  What people don’t know is what really goes on in the human brain.  This is not something that goes on with just celebrity.  It’s happening everywhere you look.  You just don’t know who has what going on or the thoughts that are going on in people’s minds.  I’ve been there.  I’ve lived it.  While I have been more open over the past few years about my thoughts of committing suicide, most people that know me or knew me growing up had no idea about it at all.  Randomly, but very rarely, the thought still flashes through my head, albeit only for a brief second because, for me, I know that things aren’t as bad as they seem in that moment.  I’ll see if I can explain what went on with me and with a little hope that if this ever reaches anyone and helps them come back off that ledge, it will be well worth it.  Otherwise, I hope this can shed some light onto other people. 

For those that knew/know me, a lot of this will be familiar as I explain my background.  For others, it’s all knew information.  Feel free to criticize in your mind, but we aren’t here to read this and be negative.

I grew up in Anacostia in SE DC as one of the few white kids in a vastly black neighborhood.  My parents didn’t have much.  My mom stayed at home to raise me and my sister.  My dad was proud and worked in a print shop.  He did the best he could to provide for his family.  Of course, I loved my parents just as any kid does.  I was always definitely more bonded with my dad.  I won’t go into a lot of details about my childhood in general- I’ll just skip ahead some.  My sister and I shared a bedroom.  I could always tell that, in my mom’s eyes, she was her favorite child.  Everything my mother did seemed targeted to her.  What she wanted for birthdays, Christmas, or whenever, she got.  I got some things, but mostly it was 2nd tier to what I asked for because for Kenny it was “good enough”.  I got in trouble at home a lot- not cleaning the room or doing the dishes “right” or whatever it was.  It was just always “wrong”.  I tried and tried to get that positive attention from my mother, but it didn’t seem to be there.  Again, it was always what sister wanted or whatever her “word” was.  I didn’t seem to have any credibility- even when there was taped evidence of it.  Yes my sister would hide a tape recorder to try to get me in trouble even though it just proved what she was doing instead.  For me it was always a “well he must have done something BEFORE the recorder turned on”.

I felt seriously unloved by her.  My sister didn’t help the situation either.  I was always getting negative feedback from the both of them.  So often, the thought would come into my head of “their lives would be better off without me”.  I tried to ignore it at first, but as time went on, the thoughts grew more. When you’re very young and being put down constantly, it’s really hard.  When you’re told all the time how “you would have had an older brother, but he was still born..and we were going to stop at 2 kids”, but you’re actually kid #3, what are you supposed to think.  I couldn’t help but think (and this sometimes even goes on today), “I’m not even supposed to be here”.   I can’t tell you how many nights I laid in my bed crying softly and just feeling that I just wanted to feel WANTED and LOVED.  My dad tried his best, but he wasn’t the one I was striving for that feeling from. 

The thoughts and feelings continued to grow and I reached the point of “I really can’t do this anymore.  They really don’t want me here.  I’m not supposed to be here anyway- they’ll be happier if I’m dead”.  This was, of course, nothing I could talk to anyone about.  I mean, come on- when you’re like 10 years old, there’s no internet or anything at the time, who are you really going to go an talk to?  People just think you’re a whiny brat who isn’t getting his way.  Many many nights, as I would lay there crying myself to sleep, the idea of just dying in my sleep started to almost possess me.  It’d be just so easy.  No more pain, no more feeling anything- just peaceful sleep and not ever waking up.  This is just the way it had to be- with sleep.  I wasn’t going to cut myself or hang myself or take pills.  My dad had a gun in the house, I heard, but no- I wasn’t going to do anything painful…just go to sleep and not wake up.

Countless nights, I put a pillow over my face and breathed in.  I remember the air getting warmer and warmer in my lungs.  It was not a horrible feeling at all.  There was something in me that told me if I held the pillow, I’d relax in my sleep and it would fall off.  Other nights, I would pull the blankets up over my head and squeeze them around my face and my neck.  Again, I would feel that warm sensation creeping through my body.  My breathing slowly became more difficult.  I never panicked- I was just relaxing.  This was it.  This is the way it was going to happen.  Peaceful sleep forever.  Same thoughts- no negativity anymore.  No desire to be loved.  No more being made fun of at school.  No more being told that I was the bad kid.  But there was a different thought that creeped in- “what about the people that DO actually love me?”.  Wait, what?  Was I being selfish here?  I would let the covers loose and breathe and my body would cool down and I’d come up from the blankets and sleep and the next morning would come.  The sun would rise and I’d go to school and see my friends who I knew accepted me for who I was and for whatever faults I had.

This was still the case in Junior High School, but of course NOW there are added things involved.  I still hadn’t hit a growth spurt although others had.  As friends were already talking about their futures, because you already start hearing at that point how everything you do will affect everything after high school, I was getting extra negative push from sister and mom.  “Don’t think about college.  It’s not for you. Besides us not having money, you’re not smart enough for college anyway”.  All this, yet mom was doing everything she could to make sure my sister went to college and lived up to the dreams she had.  thoughts kept coming and going still about how life would be without me.  More often than not, it just really seemed better if I wasn’t around.  Why should I be around?  I’m bad (even though I never got into trouble outside of the house).  Mom doesn’t love me.  Sister doesn’t love me.  I’m apparently stupid. What’s the point of me even existing?  Oh and to top it off, girls weren’t into me either, so I wasn’t really wanted there either.  There were other things going on in my life that I won’t go into, which also made me feel bad about myself. Again, there I would find myself lying in bed, tossing and turning and feeling sad and alone and depressed.  Here come the blankets again, almost like they’d creep up on their own around my face and neck wanting me to go into that peaceful forever sleep.  Yet again, I’d think- “what about the people that DO love me?  What would that do to them?”.  Again, I felt selfish, which to one side actually made me feel worse, but the other part of me became “I can’t let them down”.

Over the years, things got better.  The sun came up the next morning.  The problems seemed to be not as big.  The thought of non-existence, however, still would randomly appear if I was having a difficult time.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I hate hurting people’s feelings.  I hate letting people down.  I try as hard as I can to make people happy, but I’ve learned that some people, you just can’t please.  I’ve had failed relationships and I’ve not felt like I’ve had a lot of success in my working career.  Life, however, does go on.

I’ve been married for over 9 years to a wonderful woman who has really helped to teach me to accept who I am and if other people don’t like it, oh well.  I went to college and got my degree.  Even though I got negative pushback from mother and sister about it, my motivation for success has been “do it and do it well and piss off the haters”.  Granted, that might not be the “right” mentality, but we all have to have something to motivate us.  I haven’t had those the thoughts of taking my own life for a long time now, or at least not serious consideration.  As I said, it might be a fleeting thought, but I know that things are better with me here than they would be without me.  The sun will rise the next day, life will go on, and things aren’t ever as bad as they seem in that moment.

I feel like, even when I was little, I was strong enough to pull myself out of darkness.  I’ve had a lot of depression over the years, but that little inkling of light and hope has kept me going.  Not everyone has that.  Not everyone can be helped or saved.  We don’t know what really is going on in other people’s lives no matter how they present themselves outside. When you hear someone has committed suicide, hope for their soul that they find themselves in a better place than they felt they were in here.  Don’t talk about them negatively.  Don’t call them a coward.  It’s okay to question why they did what they did, but don’t frown upon them.  Appreciate what they’ve given the world during the time they were here. 

If, however, you are in that really dark place and feel there’s no way out, the best thing to do is reach out to someone for help.  It doesn’t have to be someone close to you.  Sometimes you just need an ear.  Sometimes you just need for someone to tell you there’s that light and that the world is better with you here than it is without you.  There are plenty of resources to help.  If you need that help or hope, please reach out.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

The Lifeline (Twitter): @800273TALK

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Slacking On Writing and Other Running Notes

For the 1 maybe 2 people that actually read this or care, I'm sorry that I've slacked off from writing yet again.  I go through so many phases and then I have life and work getting in the way.  When oh when is there time!?!  Okay, fine, there was time pretty much from September to December when we're super slow at work and I could have logged on for 5 minutes to sit and write a few lines about what was going on, but that just didn't happen.  "So what IS happening", that one person way back in the corner may be asking.  I'll tell you- not a lot in general life stuff, but running stuff has been quite a bit different.

At last I posted, I had run the Brindley Beach 5K in the Outer Banks and I set my PR of 9:19/mile.  A few weeks later, I ran the 2nd Annual Fairfax 5K with proceeds benefitting one of Penn State's charities and I met the Nittany Lion and all and it was super exciting.  I didn't quite achieve my then-goal of setting another PR, but I only missed tying my PR by 2 seconds overall.  The competitive part of me knows that I could have pushed just a little harder at a few different points and it would have made a difference.

I had 3 more events to round out the year.  There was The Glo Run, a Turkey Trot sponsored by Potomac River Running and the Frosty 5K also by Potomac River Running.  As always, they put on very well-done events and my wife and I plan on continuing participating in PR's events.  I didn't do very well with the Glo Run although it was pretty fun (I was coming back off of a minor injury) and the Frosty 5K was fun but cold.  The Turkey Trot was different, however.  I set my new PR of 9:00/mile!!

As a note- I do want to say that I am totally proud of my wife, she did both the Glo Run and Turkey Trot.  She has goals that she is still pushing for, but I'm proud of her no matter what.

In the middle of all of this, I've been working, here and there, on training for the half marathon.  Training has gone pretty well.  Granted I've been doing it on my own, not following a real training plan, trying to listen to my body and all like that.  The couple of problems that I've encountered in my training has been, not that I've struggled- I just don't do cold weather.  Fortunately we've had a pretty mild winter and I've been able to get out and get some runs in.  Problem 2 has been that I haven't dieted the way I should have or need to or want to or anything like that.  Now with about a week and a half to go, it's kind of too late for that.  They always say at this point, don't change things up.  My longest training run has been 11 1/2 miles.  I'm feeling excited and pretty ready.  Which leads me to one of the things I wanted to actually write about- The Let Down.

Anyone who knows me knows I am a competitive person.  I mean, really, that's not a secret at all.  I am glad my wife challenged me to do the half marathon.  I love challenges and having that end goal in mind.  I really do.  The problem is, and I've fortunately done some reading that doesn't make me sound totally crazy, is that at the end of an event like this, a lot of times people feel a sense of let-down because of all of the work they've put in and now it's not the same and things are different because it's over and all of that stuff.  "That's bullshit!" I think I just heard someone cry out.  No it's not bs and I've experienced it before.  In fact, I experienced a bit of it after my first 5K....why do you think I keep signing up for events? I need my sights set on something else.  With the articles I've read, they've all pretty much said the same thing- "sign up for another race" and "let your body recover" and "feeling like this is natural".  Here's where my problems are coming in, which I know are all in my head anyway.  I'm starting to feel that "let down" NOW.  I mean the race is a week and a half away still and I'm very excited and I'm feeling absolutely ready to go get it done and complete it and feel that sense of accomplishment for myself, BUT I already know in my head that I'm like "but now what".  I've not been able to find anything online that talks about feeling that feeling this soon.  I know I can't be the only one, can I?  I already have 3 more races lined up- Shamrock 5K (the day AFTER the half marathon), the Cherry Blossom 5K and the GW Parkway 5K.  Believe me, it's not that I'm not focused or looking forward to those races and maybe I will be after this one, but for me this one is BIG and it's like "but then what...for real...no challenges no nothing...nothing to look THAT forward to".  I don't quite know why I feel like this, but I do.  I haven't even experienced the full distance or the half marathon race experience or anything and yes I've hated training and get bored going that far, but there has to be SOMETHING right?  Wife told me to wait until after this and see how I feel and how I like it before considering another one.  It's extremely sound advice and she always has those very clear and sound thoughts and she makes perfect sense.  Somehow my brain isn't wired like that.  Knowing I'm doing 2 races in the same weekend soon, I've actually started looking at dual race challenges for 2018.  Yes a whole year away.

Yeah I know...I'm crazy.

And by the way, when is that "runner's high" supposed to happen?  I've never really "enjoyed" any of my runs.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Brindley Beach & OBXRunning Lighthouse All Out Pink 5K (Corolla, NC 8-31-16)

Vacation turned out to be rather interesting and exciting in the Outer Banks this year.  I'll be posting about those adventures more in my next blog post.  For now, I want to continue on about running.  I'm not quite sure yet if it's a passion of mine or not (I've only actually been doing it for nearing 2 months now), but I feel like I'm starting to see some results.  After having run my first 5K in July and seeing that OBXRunning was hosting a 5K while I'd be on vacation, I was looking forward to running another race.  This isn't something I'm planning on traveling to do, but figuring that it was only about 45 minutes from where we were staying and that it was happening during our vacation, I thought it'd be fun.

Apparently Brindley Beach Vacation & Sales, along with OBXRunning has a 5K series that happens throughout the summer- from Memorial Day through Labor Day.  This particular race was in Corolla and it was their "Pink" race which benefits one of the local hospitals if I remember correctly.  Brindley Beach in particular, seems to host their race every Wednesday.  Fortunately this was one of the only days while I was on vacation that neither a Tropical Depression nor a Tropical Storm was scheduled to come through.  The day, in fact, turned out to be gorgeous.

I got up around 5:15 that morning so I could get ready and headed out of the rental house around 6.  I had seen on the website that they do registrations on-site from 6:30-7:30 with the race starting at 8. I had ventured up through the town of Duck before and knew that it was slow going (single lane each way plus slow speed limit), so I wanted to make sure I not only had time to get there but I didn't put myself in a rush.  Well it worked out really well as I was one of the first people, not including the workers, that was there.

Upon arrival, the signs were clear and concise- big signs pointing to parking and what the event was.  After I parked, you couldn't miss the big start/finish line.  It was a little bit of a trek from the parking lot I parked in, but that was fine.  It was gorgeous weather too.  The volunteer directed me to the sign up table where I got my race bib, tech t-shirt (which let me say is super-soft after washing), and a drawstring bag.  I was able to take my time and take things back to my car and get myself appropriately ready. 

One of the things I was looking forward to with this race was finally being able to use my RaceDots.  For those that haven't heard of them, they are super-strong magnets to hold your race bib on without putting holes in your clothes.  While I've read of some people needing practice with them because they want to hook together, I had no issues at all.  They're a little heavier than safety pins, but not something that you really end up noticing.  They also did stay on and in place the entire race.  It's a fantastic product!  (No, they have not paid me to say any of that)

As race time approached, there were several announcements, as it was also apparently Mr Brindley's birthday (yes they had cake after the race).  I also met a nice couple from Pasadena, MD with whom I chatted with for a bit and crossed the finish line with the young lady (I caught up with her near the end of the race...was a good ending).

The gun went off on time and everyone was off to the races.  Now, I'm not one to judge *wink wink* but I don't think I needed to see the one guy only wearing American Flag Speedos to run in.  While a bit entertaining looking back, just no (I mean he did finish near the front, so go him!).  The water stop was at mile 1 1/2 which felt like I had been running forever.  I never saw the 1 mile sigh, just the 2 mile marker.  I found out later that there was a sign for 1 mile though....I think I would have felt a bit better seeing that!

Overall the race went well and smooth.  I set a new PR at 9:19/mile.  Granted this course was also flatter than my first 5K.   They had volunteers handing out finisher medals and water as you crossed the finish line, with anyone finishing in the first 30 minutes also getting a video of them crossing the finish line.  Yes I did get in under 30 minutes thank you.  No I'm not posting it up here just yet.

A breakfast of various fruits, cereals, and juices...and cake were served afterwards.  It was a good time and well put-together and I'm hoping to run it again next year.

Thank you to Brindley Beach, OBXRunning, and of course one of my new favorite products, RaceDots.




 Captain America RaceDots







 2016 Finisher's Medal- Only criticism would be that I would have liked it to have the year stamped on it.  Otherwise, I think it's a nice medal.

 62nd out of 187 and a new PR.  I call that a win!  Also 5th of 14 in my age group. Not bad for a newbie.



Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Potomac River Running Birthday Bash 5K (7-24-16)

As I mentioned before, my first 5K was in July this year- and after running distance only 8 times before that!  Yeah, I know it sounds like bragging, but okay...it is a little bit.  I was really impressed with how PR put the whole thing together.  It really was a big deal for them and showing up that morning got me really excited.  There were a lot of sponsor tents (lots of giveaways- I did pretty darn well with getting stuff) and a giant inflatable start/finish line.

I got there about an hour before race time and found parking easily.  I apparently was one of the first ones there, but that was fine by me.  It gave me time to calm down and familiarize myself with everything.  Finding the port-a-jons was a key priority.  If you've never run in an event before, make sure you find them and use them before you start...and use it early- the lines get LONG....and I'm sure even longer at major events.

I'm not going to go too much into my run or how I did or how I think I could have improved.  I mean, come on, I am a rookie at this whole thing.  What I did find enjoyable is that I crossed the finish line well-ahead of someone who decided to talk smack in the corral at the starting line.  The comment was made regarding how "(I) know I can beat that guy- he's only been running for two weeks he said".  Good job, jerk!! I wasn't there to talk smack or anything, just to challenge myself.  Yes, he provided me extra motivation and I was happily eating a cupcake when I saw him finish.

PR = 10:33/mi

 Just before the finish line

 Just as I'm finishing and slowing down

 Pre-race


 T-shirt and bib.  Talk about high quality...I LOVE this shirt...it's so nice and super-soft!

Post-race cooling down

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Registered for the DC Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon - March 11, 2017

Remember me saying how I got in trouble with my wife for running 6 miles?  Well it wasn't just the one time, it has now been 4 straight Saturdays.  My time has also started getting better.  Herein lies the problem..with some back story.

My wife has been doing a FANTABULOUS job focusing on herself and weight loss and doing the things she needs to do to make herself feel better and great with how she looks.  No matter what, I've always thought and think she's been beautiful and sexy and I see her as the woman that I fell in love with the first time I ever saw her.  She will be the first to tell you that she hates running and has been struggling with the Couch To 5K training.  She will also be the first to tell you that she's never really been athletic, so any athletic endeavor is a big challenge to her.  I am proud of her for doing the things that she's doing.

My primary goal with going out running has been to try to burn off some of this stubborn belly fat.  You would be surprised by the number of friends that all of a sudden turn out to be runners once you mention you've been running.  Now I have family and friends asking me to do 5Ks with them (since I've done one already) and participating in other running activities.  It's a bit overwhelming and somewhat entertaining to me.  I really do appreciate the support though.  Getting back to that "problem"...

Because I essentially got up off the sofa and immediately started running what results in a 5K, my darling wife has said..and I quote, "that's bullsh*t".  And about me going from 3 miles immediately to 6 miles "nobody does that.  That's not the way that works!".  Her belief is that I have a bit of a cocky attitude about my runs and act like it's easy (which it's not easy at all and no I don't get "great joy" out of running...at least not yet).  She has told me how "normal people" struggle to complete their runs when they're first starting out, but how that doesn't seem to be me and my nonchalant attitude doesn't help.  That's when I got issued the challenge.  I believe the convo went something like this:

Her: I want to see you struggle like a "normal" person.
Me: I do.  I'm just not expressive about it.
Her: I don't believe you.  I need to see it.  I challenge you to train and run a half marathon.
Me: Okay.  Next fall, I'll do a half marathon.
Her: Oh no no no.  SPRING!
Me: *shrugs* Okay.  I'll run a half marathon in spring.

I provided her with a choice of spring half marathons here in the DC area.  She, of course, picked one of the first ones- the DC Rock n Roll Half.  Now I do hear, it's a fantastic race to be part of.  There's also a part of me that's excited about it.  I know why she laid the challenge out the way she did- she knew I couldn't say "no" to it.  Her issuing me an athletic challenge like that is like Marty McFly being called a chicken- I can't not do it!  As of today- August 23, 2016, I have fully registered for the Half Marathon.

Oh lawdy be, what have I gotten myself into?  Oh yeah- and I hate cold weather, so this winter is going to suck!

It's Been A Long Time and Things Have Changed

Well my friends, it's been a heck of a long time since I posted (in fact, I forgot I had this blog- thanks for the reminder Facebook).  I guess it's time for a bit of a reboot and time to catch up on what's been going on.  Please forgive me if some of this was already posted before- while I think about things, I'm not going back to read the past...like I said, it's a reboot.  With that said...

My body still isn't where I want it to be.  Without the proper diet, Insanity, while getting me in better shape, didn't get me ripped and looking like everyone on the advertisements.  I believe genetics plays a role in that as well.  (Maybe an unhealthy dose of steroids too? haha jk).

I'm a graduate of Penn State University as of August 2013.  I can't believe that it's been 3 years already!  Yes, I'm still 100% a Penn Stater and am so happy football season is about to start again!

With the health and working out thing:

Since taking a job with AccessAgility in Vienna, VA in February 2015, my mental health has been a whole lot better.  With any job one has, there are going to be pluses and minuses, but here and for me, the pluses are great.  It's a good group of people to work with and the stress level here is pretty low. Don't get me wrong- it's not that there is no stress, maybe I've just learned to cope with things a whole lot better as I've gotten older. I have to say that this is a really healthy work environment.

I also started hitting the gym a whole lot more.  I definitely wasn't happy with my appearance and I've been working on changing that.  Again- the diet itself hasn't been the best, but I have noticed changes in my body over the last year and a half.  Obviously I would like those changes to move faster but there are changes.  My shirt size has come down and last fall I even had to buy smaller-waisted pants!

To me, lifting weights and getting stronger hasn't moved the progress on enough to me, so around mid-July I changed my strategy.  Keep in mind, I have had a streak of logging my meals on MyFitnessPal for over 450 days.  Reading other blogs and articles online got me thinking and changing my mind-set.  My strategy became "lean out before building up".  I've never been a distance runner, but having friends (and my dear wife) doing Couch To 5K motivated me to get out and run.  I mean most runners who have been doing it for a while are pretty lean.

My first day out, I ran the majority of 3 miles.  Yes there was some walking. Yes I have been refereeing soccer for several years and playing other sports, but those activities rely on sprints rather than distance.  I've never argued that I don't have okay cardio, just I never did distance.  Well, Day 2 I ran the entire 3 miles.  Being able to do that was motivation to me.  At that point I knew I COULD do it.  Well, 2 weeks later, I entered my first 5K race- Potomac River Running 13th Birthday Bash.  Was that pretty quick?  Yeah sure was.  I did hit my goals:

- Finish the whole race without walking
- Don't come in last place

Okay I really can't help it- I'm competitive.  I finished with a PR of 10:33/mile. 

Since then I've been out running a lot more (still not seeing enough changes as of yet, but I'm trying to be patient).  In fact one day my legs were feeling good and fresh when I was around the 3 mile mark, so I decided to keep going and did 6 miles instead!  This is how I've since gotten in a little trouble with the wife.  I'll tell about that in my next post.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

6 Weeks of Insanity Done

The past 6 weeks have definitely flown by.  I can't believe that I only have 3 more weeks to go and I'll have successfully completed the Insanity workout.  This past week has been the start of the Max Interval Training section.  Honestly I don't know if I was really ready for this intensity.  Yeah, it's to be expected that the second month is when Insanity really ramps up, but OMG this is ridiculous!!  That's okay, though, I'm going to push through it and get it done.  I need some more results.  I haven't been satisfied with what my results have been for the last few weeks.  Part of that, I'm sure, is because I've done really bad on my diet.  I did go for my check-up at the doctor's yesterday, so this time I'll include my "official" weight as well.

After 6 weeks
There hasn't been too much of a change if any for the past couple of weeks.  Maybe others can see something that I don't, though.  The measurements don't reflect too much either.

Weight: 189lbs (down 3lbs in the past 3 weeks)
Stomach: 36 1/4" (down 1/4" since last week)
Chest: 38" (remained the same)

Okay really...for the next 3 weeks, I need to kick my ass back in gear...